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CCM's Dried Salmon Message Board :: General :: Satire Matters :: Coffee anyone?

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Topic: Coffee anyone? (Read 273 times)

Stif Phorhistor
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Coffee anyone?
« Thread Started on Aug 20, 2008, 3:02pm »

Gangs! Everywhere there are Gangs! They flash one another their signs through secret handshakes, sidelong looks at public meetings, give hidden messages in radio interviews and letters to open forum.

And no matter how hard our esteemed Sheriff Bergin and his side kick, the affable District Attorney Marquis, try to quash them, the gangs continue to meet. Their latest subterfuge to gather is under the guise of meeting for "coffee" but my crafty counterpart learned of this nefarious plot and sent his hound to sniff out the next meeting place.

Everyone KNOWS gangs use the smell of coffee to cover odoriferous doings. Drinking coffee in groups larger than two will constitute a justifiable reason to have your person searched and laptops confiscated (except, of course, if you are a herd of assistant DA's on your fourth coffee break of the day).

Stevo, at the daily read and wipe, says that once upon a time ago he had a very dignified group that would meet once a month to ponder the local political climate and discuss the advancement of the community but the gang members have since taken over, to his dismay, causing him to withdraw his membership. He thought the group had disbanded and is absolutely appalled that they have degenerated to a gang o' shenanigan producing upstarts!

What galls him most, Stevo said, was that the group does nothing to squelch the political aspirations of people who have no money, people who have no desire to use the county as a stepping stone to higher political offices or people who merely want to help their community and have no other agenda. It infuriates Stevo that any common riffraff can approach this gang and ask for its help in getting a community project going, no matter their political affiliation.

"In my day at the helm," groused Stevo, "people had to declare their allegiance and prove themselves before any type of help was extended! This is pure and simple socialism which will lead to the decline of democracy if these gangs run unchecked and the members aren't identified."

District Attorney Marquis corroborated Stevo's concerns, "Gangs such as these cause people to believe that they can bypass the chain of command which, studies have proven and statistics show, lead to crime waves, the likes of which this county hasn't seen since the late 1980s, before I arrived on scene to clean up this mess of a county up."

Sheriff Bergin has had a hotline installed for people to call in sitings. "If you see anyone that you recognize, any person that has been in a parade, gave a speech at your kid's school, sang the star spangled banner at a ball field, having coffee with two or more people call 462-776-4824. Its easy enough to remember, imasnitch. And remember, these are the people that are "meeting to drink coffee". Think about the implications in that. I promise to keep the information collected on file until a Department of Justice inquiry can be arranged. And it will be. And I can say that because my lawyer said I can pretty much say whatever I want, with something called impetty, because of the types of judges in retirement waiting to come down here and sit on a bench ..." at this point the interview with Bergin was interrupted by his cell phone going off. District Attorney Marquis' hand was noticeably in his pocket, frantically squeezing an oblong object. One way or the other, Bergin appears to excite him.

So, citizens of Dried Salmon County, you can sleep safely that the three top dogs and their erstwhile hound are sniffing the nether regions of all our officials, looking for coffee and, thereby, keeping us, and democracy, safe forevermore.

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minor player
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Re: Coffee anyone?
« Reply #1 on Aug 22, 2008, 8:55am »

So thats why Gamm asked me who I had coffee with. I guess I can expect a subpoena next or a call from Page McBride?

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the law deserves no respect
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Re: Coffee anyone?
« Reply #2 on Aug 23, 2008, 5:17pm »

must be nice to know that you've got the attorney general and his doj at your beck and call. ::)

what a bunch of criminals!

welcome to clatsop county, come on vacation, leave on probation where we've got a file on EVERYONE! :-X

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i hate coffee anyhow
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Re: Coffee anyone?
« Reply #3 on Aug 23, 2008, 5:22pm »

A group of 'em suspicious looking types meet every morning at miles crossing to "drink coffee." Only the inner circle's allowed to attend and they don't take kindly to strangers or stragglers hanging out nearby when they're talking "politics."

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cuppa joe
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Re: Coffee anyone?
« Reply #4 on Aug 24, 2008, 5:05pm »

that group at the miles crossing corner give me the creeps! too bad the sheriff is sitting right there in their midst! what's that he's drinking?

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secret ingredient revealed
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Re: Coffee anyone?
« Reply #5 on Sept 14, 2008, 9:15pm »

josh's jungle juice

a special concoction of mountain dew, koolaid and bullshit.

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